Life is not a long calm river, and the plans we had adopted at the beginning can change. How to find the balance if one of the two spouses makes a 180 degree turn?
When they met in their early twenties, Annie and François had a plan for life. After their university studies, they had to buy an apartment than have their first child. Everything was going according to the agreed scenario, but Annie decided to return to her studies to change her professional orientation at the end of her maternity leave. This decision caused quite a stir within the couple, both from a financial and personal point of view… In the end, the spouses found a new balance, but it was at the cost of many discussions and several sleepless nights. So how can the winning conditions be met to meet the challenge of change?
Minimize impact on torque
Few things remain the same in life, and life choices that made perfect sense to us one day no longer make sense to us 10 years later. For example, you may want to improve your lot and your salary by getting a new diploma, or you may want to go back to school to change careers. Others will decide to drop a salaried job to start a business or accept a job offer abroad. But all this has a price…
Thus, starting a business will require taking out a loan and possibly withdrawing funds from your RRSPs. A return to school will drastically reduce expenses and put projects such as buying a house or conceiving a child on hold. Whatever the case, the spouse often experiences insecurities and may feel forced to adapt to their partner’s choices.
“New projects will necessarily have an impact on the couple, so you can’t decide everything alone. It is, therefore, necessary to start by having a frank and open discussion with your spouse. We must be able to clearly explain to him the objectives pursued and the expected benefits of this change,” advises Micheline Dubé, psychologist and family mediator at the Professional Center of Plateau Mont-Royal, in Montreal.
She also recommends establishing a strategy, making a plan, and preparing a timetable with stages to facilitate and tame the change. “Invoking a dream or an idea will not work. The spouse will have difficulty following; clarity is therefore required. Nor can you arrive simply by saying, “I am doing this for me.” You have to demonstrate what the tangible benefits will be for the couple, which will make it possible to compensate for the efforts that this will require of each,” adds Ms Dubé.
Can the couple get through these upheavals without leaving too many feathers behind?
When there is love and goodwill on both sides, yes, says Ms Dubé. “When we love each other, we can take a step back and discuss the conditions of our happiness. The idea that we had at the start can evolve, and reviewing the conditions of engagement is possible if it is done with respect,” says the psychologist.
Beacons can also be attached. Thus, the other spouse can undertake to financially compensate for the loss of income caused by the return to studies, but not beyond a specific limit.
Mrs Dubé specifies that the fact that the couple is married or not can also play a part in the feeling of insecurity felt by the spouse and that in any case, before making a significant life change, it is preferable to consult an expert, whether for psychological or financial matters, to iron out the difficulties.
Review the budget realistically
Changes in direction usually have budget consequences. However, money can quickly become a subject of contention in a couple, recalls Hélène Hétu, budget consultant at ACEF de la Rive-Sud. Hence, establishing an open discussion on the topic is essential because the unsaid kill the love bond.
“We have to know where everyone is about the money, and if a change occurs, whether unforeseen or not, plan how we can concretely adapt the budget to deal with the new situation,” advises Ms Hétu.
In this sense, it is imperative to take stock of income and expenses, invoice deadlines, everyone’s contribution, etc. We must also have a plan B: for example, are we ready to mortgage the house or sell the car if things do not turn out as hoped? So many possibilities that must be discussed in complete transparency.
“Some people may feel exploited and forced to make sacrifices while the other carry out their plans,” adds Ms Hétu. In the end, this generates a lot of stress for the couple, even a situation.
