find the right time
Finances are a delicate subject, among other things, because they involve power issues. When we need to talk about it with our spouse, we must approach them with tact and choose the moment. “You shouldn’t take the other person by surprise; otherwise, he risks becoming defensive,” advises François Delorme, economist, professor in the economics department at the University of Sherbrooke and psychotherapist. We must first let him know our intention to talk about money, assess his degree of openness, and then find a time that suits both of us to discuss it.
Validate intentions
And you still have to know what you want to talk about! “The first step is to ask yourself what is important to us, explains Rose-Marie Charest, former president of the Order of Psychologists of Quebec. What are we looking for? Peace of mind? Have enough money to practice a sport? To be able to send the children to a private school? We must put on the table the essential things and those that are important without being necessary. And the best way to approach a discussion with another person – whatever the subject – is to start by confirming what we both agree on. However, we often tend to do the opposite!
Accept that love does not always last… always.
“One of the reasons why some couples refuse to sign a cohabitation contract is that they think they don’t need it: they love each other!” explains Nancy Émond, notary. “When you decide to partner with someone in business, the dissolution is provided for in the contract, says François Delorme. But, in love, we very often even refuse to glimpse this possibility!”
Take inequalities into account.
“For obvious biological reasons, women have to stop working when they have children, and few men take parental leave. It has an impact on the income of the majority of women,” recalls François Delorme. “But what is essential, adds Rose-Marie Charest, is not to seek equality but to seek equity. If we pay everything half and half, the one (or the one!) who does not earn as much will necessarily become poorer.
How to achieve this equity? François Delorme first warns couples against specific questionable arrangements: “For example, sometimes it is the man who pays the mortgage and the woman who takes care of current expenses. In the end, the man ends up with the assets, and the woman… with the care of the children.” This is why, when a couple is not married, a cohabitation contract becomes vital protection. Mr Delorme also suggests a kind of “equalization” formula: the spouse who makes the most money pays an amount to the other so that the lifestyle of both corresponds to the couple’s finances. Put in common.
Know how to compromise
“There is no magic formula for everyone because every couple is different,” says Rose‑Marie Charest. And to find the formula that suits us, it is essential to know how to make compromises. “You have to create a third territory: a place where it’s not quite what one wants and not quite what the other wants, a place of compromise where both feel comfortable “, explains the psychologist.
Avoid secretiveness
By pooling their finances, some partners fear losing their financial autonomy. However, the joint account does not sign the death warrant of personal expenses! “In a mature couple, we should be able to say ‘I want to buy a motorcycle, for example, provided that it does not go through the joint account,” said François Delorme.
Don’t be afraid of conflict.
“Often, we don’t discuss financial issues because we want to avoid squabbles,” says Delorme. However, we know that if there is dissatisfaction and we do not resolve it, it will end up blowing up!” “As it is a delicate subject, too. Often, couples constantly put it off, confirms Rose-Marie Charest. And, when a conflict arises, that’s when it resurfaces. However, this is not the best time to talk about money.
Ask for advice
When you have difficulty broaching the question of money, or when you cannot manage to do so without causing tension, why not seek the advice of specialists? “There is a job that remains to be invented: the psychological financial adviser”, concludes with a smile, François Delorme. Failing that, it may be helpful to consult a financial adviser, a notary, and… a psychologist!
